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Here's a vast collection of BASEketball sounds I have come across. (80) The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles, where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music. The Oakland Raiders moved to L.A., and then back to Oakland. No one in Los Angeles seemed to notice. You know Remer, someday I'm gonna own a big sports bar. I don't want to go to a party with a bunch of losers from high school. But dude, this is Britney Keiser's house and I really really wanna f*** her. Dr. Keiser! We graduated with Britney. You graduated? Hahahahaha, of course we graduated c***, beer? Hanging' out, playin' Nintendo. C***. We're never gonna get a chick like Britney Keiser are we? Or any other chick. But it's only cause we have no jobs, and our rent checks 3 months overdue, and our gas is about to get shut off. What do girls want anyway. Well apparently not total losers. Well we're pretty good at basketball. Yeah, as long as we don't have to run or jump or dribble or nothing. Dude, we don't have 50 bucks. We don't have 20! Oh, s***. I shoot from where ever I want, right. And then you have to make that same shot or else you get a letter. You mean like horse? No, it's not like horse! (Scoffs) Duh! F***ed your sister. Oh, he made that look easy! Awww, one of Britney's mom's pubic hairs. Double-play jacka**. You know, what the hell is up with that? We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks dude. That sucks dude. Dude, I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks. Steve Perry, Steve Perry! And I shoulda been gone. Dude, he's here to shut off the gas. Is your canine locked up and/or saftely secured within your domincile? Dude, does it just suck being you? Whoa dude, you made a ball? God Dammit man! I swear, you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm outta here. Yo Tyler! I hear you sister's going out with Squeak. What!? Mark me down for another psyche-out. Hey I'm not going out with his sister. Dude that's the defense, you gotta psyche em out. Yeah, we gotta say totally f***ed up s*** to make sure the other guy misses. Oh. Hey, wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally f***ed up? Yo Pierce. I hear your mom's going out with Squeak! Just like when I was a kid, and players were treated like, like... Indentured servants? Yes! Haven't you ever wanted to be a sports hero? Sure, once. But that, was a long time ago. Hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only on driveways. And it's hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school. Oh, god, I knew it was gonna come down to me, I just knew it. Relax dude, it's not just you, we're a team. You listen to me you little b****! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up you're f***in' a**, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat! Hey Remer, you better make sure your toe's not over the line. Hey Jansen, nice pssssssyche-out dingleberry. Do the Happy Dance. Aww, dude I don't want to we just lost the game. Do the Happy Dance. Where's the singing. Aww, I don't want to sing. Do the singing, c'mon, sing. I'm doin' the Happy Dance. Doin' the Happy Dance. Well Tim, today I lost the big game and a dear friend. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I don't think I should be alone. I really need people to talk... It certainly does seem to be raining s*** on Joe Cooper right now. Hey, you wanna do an interview with me? No. Oh, the ones that grant wishes to sick and dying kids, right. Oh, well we prefer to think of them as health-challenged and survival-impaired. Dude you didn't make that pretzel did you?Well of course not, but chicks love guys who can cook. Didn't you know that. What? See, look, she was checking out my a**. Felon's fans rejoiced in their team's Denslow Cup victory with a huge celebration in downtown Dallas. Final tally: 14 injured, 3 dead. And it appears time just finally ran out, for the old c***sucker. Theodore Denslow, dead at 85. His hair piece, was 24. Hey, I'll come by, I like hospitals. No you don't, you like Taco Bell. No really, I went to this hospital one time in France and got together with this really hot chick. Dude, that was a hostel. Oh, yea. Remember when you had the crabs and the only thing that made you feel better was this lotion? Well I found another use for it. It feels so good, it makes me want to sing. Just like that night we spent in the tattoo parlor in Chicago. I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts! Why don't you visit sometime. Maybe we could lay some carpet, if you know what I mean. But you know, I think my lobby could use a good buffing, if you know what I mean. Mmm, I know exactly what you mean. Look, I'm sorry, but if you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners. Alright, what do we always say? 1, 2, 3, f*** the Mexicans! How to speak San Fransican: Vagoina! Chelsea Clinton? That's a pretty tall order dude. You'd have a better shot at Bill. And those cheers you're hearing, from the nearly 15,000 on hand here for anal probe night. Listen to me, do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando? No, he got rich playing in college, everybody knows that. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude! Dude! DUDE! DUDE! Dude. When I see one of BASEketball's hottest stars with less than in his pocket, driving an American car, and sharing a small house with 2 other guys, you know what that says to me? Homos? If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a s***load of nickels. So, so what's your dream? Well, I've always dreamed of big game hunting. How about killing an endangered species, like a bald eagle, or a giant panda! Well then, how about poisoning the resevoir. I know, how about throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool. Live, dammit, live! What are you doing? Where are those little heart paddle things that George Clooney uses! Coop, do you know what you're doing? What's it look like? An execution? Dammit man, I'm trying to save an innocent life! I'm givin' her all I've got, captain. I love ya, always have. (Laughs) Clear! Oh, he's fine. He came through the operation with flying colors. Alrite! With that new liver he should be peeing like a champ in no time, huh! That's kidneys, Coop. Why do you play, Coop? Mr. October. The guy in the Chippendale's calendar? No, that was Dwayne Zaccamore. Thanks a lot Dr. Dickhead, you totally f***ed me there! Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now, but don't blame me because I have a sweet a**. I can't help it! Oh, now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? F***in' sellout. That's him Squeak, that's Tuttle. He's been talking some serious s*** about you all night. Yeah, he told everyone that he caught you jacking off in the bathroom before the game. He saw that? Hey Tuttle. Yeah. Your mother's deaf. My mother's dead you little twerp. I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot. No daddy, don't touch me there! Anyway, I just wanted to assure you, there's no reason for your girlfriend's foundation to go into Chapter 11. Or for that matter, 12, 13, or 14. You want me to have bigger titties? I look out for my wimmins! Can I talk to you over here? Mm-hmm. You know something pigf***er? Can I call you pigf***er? No, only my friends can call me pigf***er. Oh, sorry I forgot how much Doug Remer cares about kids. What's that old saying, uh? A penny saved is a penny earned. Uh, don't eat cheese before noon. Shut up! You're just typical men with humongous...egos! Their little lives are ruined and all you can do is argue about who's the bigger penis? I mean child. Longwanger. Ahh! Throbbing c***. AHH! So go ahead, go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year. F***! Well I dont know where the hell he is. For all I care, he could be hanging by his neck in his f***in' closet. Scenario #1: He's hanging by his neck in his f***ing closet. If you're looking for Joe Cooper, I suggest you look where ever you the most heinous, blatant, and vile exploitaion of children on the planet. Scenario #2: Coop went to Disney World. Hey Grunsky! You loosin' weight? Ey you guys, seriously, I'm f***in' fat. Seriously you guys I'm the f***in' fattest f***. How'd I get so f***in' fat? If I were a woman, I'd sure like to be his girlfriend, walking in the park hand in hand, wrapping my legs around him, cuddling in the spoon position, our hearts beating in unison, staring into his eyes over our morning coffee. Ah, yes, yes, thank you. You're excited? Feel these nipples! Update: We still have no f***ing clue where this guy is. I got the 2 homerun balls I hit in the World Series. Some wretched little s*** got the third one. Hey, Coop! I don't have your f***ing ball!
